An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are assholes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back!" The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole."

This guy's wife asks, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "Well," says the guy, "we all need companionship, so I suppose someday I would." "Hmm," says the wife. "Well, would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it," says the guy, "so I guess she would." "Would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, it seems a shame to waste a perfectly good bed," says the guy, "so I guess she would. "Would she use my golf clubs?" "Of course not," says the guy. "She's a lefty."

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman brags, "and this morning she couldn't stop telling me how much she adored me." "Last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian replies, "and today she said she could never love another man." The American remains silent, and the Frenchman smugly asks, "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," says the American. "Only once?" the Italian snorts arrogantly. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?" Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How'd you guess?" She replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."

A couple of young boys are fishing at their favorite spot when the game warden jumps out of the bushes. One boy throws down his rod and takes off through the woods with the warden hot on his heels. After running a half-mile, the boy stops to catch his breath, and the game warden snags him. "Let me see a license, boy!" the game warden gasps. The boy pulls out his wallet and shows the warden his fishing license. "Well, son," says the warden, "you must be dumber than a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me, you have a valid license!" "Well, I do," says the boy, "but the guy back there didn't."

A fire starts inside a chemical plant, and the alarm goes out to fire departments for miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for more than an hour, the company president approaches the fire chief and says, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine crew that brings them out! Several crews try, but none can get through. Suddenly a hook and ladder filled with a volunteer squad of men over 65 comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firefighters watch, unbelieving, as the old-timers hop off their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president beams as he walks over to reward the volunteers. "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" he asks after he writes them out a check. The old guy who drove the engine looks him in the eye and answers, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the goddamn brakes on that truck."

A couple take their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replies. "No, Mom. Down underneath." The mother blushes and says, "Oh, that. That's nothing." The boy's father returns, and his mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question. "That's the elephant's trunk, son," his father answers. "Dad, I know what a trunk is. What's the thing down there?" His father looks and says, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis." "Dad," the boy says, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" His father takes a deep breath and explains, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

The new nun goes to confession and says she has a terrible secret. The priest urges her to reveal it, saying he would never violate the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I don't wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister. Just say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels."

A young man on a blind date takes a girl to an amusement park. They go for a ride on the Ferris wheel, but the girl seems kind of bored. "What would you like to do next?" the young man asks. "I wanna get weighed," she answers. So the young man takes her over to the guy who guesses weight. "One-twelve," says the man, and the scale confirms it. Next they ride the roller coaster. After that the young man buys the girl some popcorn and cotton candy and asks what else she would like to do. "I wanna get weighed," she answers. I really struck out tonight, thinks the young man, and, claiming he has a headache, he takes the girl home. The girl's mother is surprised to see her home so early and asks, "What's wrong, dear? How was your date?" "Wousy," says the girl.

After the grade-school class comes back inside, the teacher asks Alice, "What did you do at recess?" Alice says, "I played in the sandbox." "That's nice," the teacher says. "If you can go to the blackboard and write sand correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." Alice does, and she gets a cookie. Then the teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played in the sandbox with Alice." The teacher says, "Good. If you can write box on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh- baked cookie." Billy writes the word, and he gets a cookie. The teacher then asks Mustafa Abdul what he did at recess. "I tried to play with Alice and Billy," Mustafa answers, "but they threw rocks at me." "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! the teacher says. "If you can go to the blackboard and write blatant racial discrimination, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas state lottery? The winner gets three dollars a year for a million years.

The New York mafia hires a deaf-mute man to collect its protection money, figuring he can't sing if he gets caught. In his first week the collector picks up more than $50,000. The second week he stashes the money and tries to leave town, but the mafia guys catch him and use an interpreter to grill him. "Ask him where the money is," says the don, and the interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The collector signs, "I don't know what you�re talking about," and the interpreter says, "He don't know what you're talking about." The don then pulls out a .38 and puts it in the deaf guy's ear. "Now ask him where the money is." The deaf man signs frantically, "It's in Central Park, in the third tree stump on the left from the West 81st Street entrance." The interpreter says, "He says he still don't know what you're talking about, and that you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

The new employee doesn't show up for work on Monday, his first day, calling in sick instead. He comes in the next day and works the rest of the week. But on the following Monday, he calls in again. "I'm sick," he says. After working the rest of the week, he calls in the next Monday, repeating, "I'm sick." "What gives?" asks his exasperated boss. "You planning to call in sick every Monday?" "No, sir," the new employee says. "My sister is in a bad marriage, and every Monday morning before work, I go over to console her. One thing leads to another, and we end up making love all day long." "With your sister?" says the boss. "That's disgusting!" The man replies, "I told you I'm sick."

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick. "Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?" The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here." The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick. "Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?" The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true." "What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy. "Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.' 'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?' 'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So, how'd it go, Harry?" asked Gil. "Terrible," admitted Harry. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started." Gil tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" "Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing." "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?" "No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied. The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am , to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex: 1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old! 2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret? 1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding! So the second old man rushed to the store. Clerk: May I help you? Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please. Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done! Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?